All I’m saying is, if we really did give players bags of cash from McDonald’s, I feel like I could’ve been helpful in that operation.
I’m intimately familiar with at least a dozen Knoxville area locations. My wife gets embarrassed when we pull up to the drive-thru and they start putting my order up there on the screen before I even get a chance to say it out loud. ‘Preciate them letting me still say “super-size it” even though I’m told that’s not actually a thing anymore. But look, I may not have the resources to help pay these players, but I could’ve been a bag man. And I would’ve been a good one too. Listen, you gotta spread that stuff around. Get Wendy’s involved. Sonic, they’ve got a good operation. My grandfather used to drink coffee at the Burger King at 5 AM with a bunch of World War II veterans, and don’t think they didn’t make all the real decisions for the community before the rest of us even woke up. Shoulda had more of those guys involved in the process.
But it’s okay, because I only fully believed in Jeremy with 51% of my heart. Bammer. That’s the most I could give. Now we’ve got this new kid running things, who I’ve known since I mispronounced his name for most of the season at Oklahoma 21 years ago.
I’m told we’re gonna play fast, like real fast. Has Danny White considered an upgrade to our restroom facilities? How many plays am I going to miss if I need to use the trough? I’m getting older, boys. I mean, I don’t want to wet myself in Neyland Stadium, but I will if it means I don’t miss anything.
Look, I know, year one or year zero or year 14 of this mess, don’t get your hopes up, just focus on the little things. Just getting to a bowl game would be nice, as long as we don’t self-impose a bowl ban. I say we leave it up to the NCAA and the Lord. Or look, why don’t we self-impose with some creativity? Danny White seems like the guy for that. “Your honor, here’s ten scholarships, no McDonald’s for one semester, and we self-impose ourselves to Shreveport.” Seems fair.
Six wins would be nice, but then I saw that picture of Joe Milton, and now I know we’re winning at least eight. Look how tiny that football looks in his hands! I know he’ll hold it gently, like my heart, and make only good decisions with it. We’re not allowed to play that NCAA Football video game again yet, but my nephew got me Madden and showed me how to trade 2015 Cam Newton onto a team with orange jerseys like the Broncos – for Peyton, of course – so at least I can pretend. I mean, I know Joe Milton won’t be Peyton, but I think if he’s just as good as 2015 Cam Newton we’ll probably be alright.
For real, Bowling Green? That’s a Clawson school, that’s one. Pitt, I fully respect Coach Majors, and all he accomplished there. I just can’t see us losing to somebody wearing those yellow britches. That’s two. Florida, they ain’t no good. We should be riding like a seven game winning streak against those guys if we had the right coaches. Mizzou, equally yellow britches, Heupel knows all their secrets, that’s a dub.
South Carolina is also starting over with a Beamer, so we’ll need to be sharp in punt protection. But as we know, trying out the son of a famous coach is only Step 2 in your 14-year rebuild, so they’ve got some lean years ahead of them yet. Kiffin, (Fulmerized) that guy. That’s 7-0 heading into Bama, that sounds about right. And listen, did you see how open Jalin Hyatt was against those guys last year? And now Joe Milton’s gonna throw that tiny football to him?
It’s all downhill from there, boys. Kentucky? Wait ’til basketball season. Georgia? We’ve out-played them for almost one half of football three years in a row just with Jeremy! Bowl ban don’t matter if you’re gonna make the playoffs!